News and Events
This Month We Honor...
Edmund Hannemann
 
Private
Army National Guard
(whose flag is now being flown for the month of June)
 
All are Welcome to Attend our Grief Group
Special Events
Upcoming Grief Support Opportunities
Good Grief - Living with Loss
Second Monday of each month ~ 4 - 5:00 p.m. at First Universalist Unitarian Church, Wausau
For more information call The Grief Center at 715.847.2703
Fourth Thursday of each month ~ 3 - 4:00 p.m. at Pine Crest Nursing Home - Conference Room, Merrill
For more informaion call Sara or Heather at 715.536.0355
How to Talk to the Children and Teens in Your Life About the Newtown, CT, Tragedy
by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Once again we are faced with the traumatic, violent deaths of a group of innocent people, this time precious children in Newtown, Connecticut. I have been asked to provide some guidelines on how to communicate with children and teens about this tragedy. If you know of others who might benefit from this information, I invite you to forward this article to them.
First, it’s important to remember that children can cope with what they know, but they can’t cope with a reality they are over-protected from. As a father and as a counselor, I understand the instinct to want to protect children from such tragic news. But the reality is that many if not most of the children and teens in our lives (with the exception of the very youngest) have already heard about the recent school shooting from their peers, social media, or television. They have been exposed to the fact that 20 first-graders were shot by a stranger who barged into an elementary school. Many of them have also seen photos of the killer and of the children and teachers who were killed. Some may have read the horrific details of the massacre.
The point is, we cannot protect children from the tragedy, but we can let them teach us how they feel about it. As the caring adults in their lives, we have the responsibility to be available to them when they are struggling to understand what happened or if they have fears that the same thing could happen in their schools. We also have the responsibility to be honest with them within the boundaries of what is developmentally appropriate for a given child.
Listen (and observe), then respond
Watch the children in your life a little more closely this week and in the weeks to come. Notice if they are listening to news of the shooting, reading news online or in print, sharing stories that other kids have told them at school, or asking questions about the shooting. If it’s on their mind, or if you think it might be, then it’s your turn to ask a couple open-ended questions. “What have you heard about the school shooting that happened last week?” “Are the kids or teachers at your school talking about the kids who died in Connecticut?” You can also share your feelings: “I’ve been feeling sad about the children who were killed last week.”
Also watch for a change in behavior. Children who are more irritable or aggressive than usual or who are complaining of physical ailments uncharacteristically may essentially be telling you that they have absorbed some of the nation’s horror and anxiety about what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary. When ignored, children and teens feel all alone in their grief. Respond to them with sensitivity and warmth. Use a caring tone of voice; maintain eye contact when talking with and learning from them. This commitment to actively listening tells children that their feelings will be respected.
Remember that often kids don’t want to have a long conversation about the tragedy. They don’t want to be “talked at.” But if they’re given the opportunity, many will tell you what’s on their mind, allowing you a glimpse into their reality. Respond based on what they tell you or show you through their behaviors. Use their words and level of understanding. Don’t over-explain. Keep it simple and honest and loving. Let them know you’re someone they can talk to about the tough things.
Also, some kids, especially younger ones, may truly not be concerned about the shooting because it seems like just another far-away story that doesn’t affect them. That’s why it’s important to listen and observe, then respond. Allow for a discussion but don’t insist on one if the child isn’t telling or showing you she’s sad, anxious or perplexed. Let the child lead.
Safety first
If a child is expressing, verbally or behaviorally, that she is afraid, reassure her that you and the other grown-ups in her life are doing everything you can to make sure that she is safe. Because it’s true, it’s OK to say, “This kind of thing almost never happens. It’s a one-in-a-million situation. You’re protected.”
Teens are ready to handle the more nuanced truth, which is that safety can’t be 100 percent guaranteed in anything we do in life. Model living each day with boldness, resilience, meaning, and purpose for the teens in your life.
Many kids will find it helpful to review school safety and security procedures, and indeed, this is happening at schools across the country as I write this. Physically show them the security measures in place and step through the drills.
In the home, if a child seems to be regressing to the behaviors of younger kids—such as wanting to sleep with mom and dad, bedwetting, thumb-sucking, etc., these are signs that this child simply needs some extra attention right now. Don’t punish him for the regressive behaviors. Indulge them for now. And spend extra time with him in the coming days and weeks. Be available when he gets up, when he comes home from school, after dinner, and on weekends as much as you can.
Be the grown-up
We as a nation have been traumatized by the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary. The multiple, violent deaths of precious young children and the adults who cared for them can result in intense feelings of shock, fear, anxiety and helplessness. Some of us confront these feelings by obsessively watching TV coverage of the event or talking about it with anyone and everyone.
While it’s normal and natural for us to try to integrate the reality of what happened in these ways, this kind of exposure may be too much for children. So limit your media viewing and conversation about the tragedy in front of your children. Younger kids, especially, don’t need to know and aren’t developmentally mature enough yet to handle all the details.
Be calm, reassuring, and positive. Be the caregiver. If you need to talk about your own thoughts and feelings about what happened, find another adult to talk to out of earshot of the kids. Never lie to children or hide the truth from them, but do limit their exposure.
Older kids, especially teens, may, like many adults, work through their thoughts and feelings by engaging with the national media and conversation about the shooting. Try watching the news together with these teens and talking about what you see. Be careful not to reverse roles. Don’t display your own grief so much that the child is forced to take care of you instead of the other way around. Seek outside support for yourself if you need it.
Search for meaning … together
As we all struggle to understand what can never be understood, we naturally turn to rituals and faith. If you attend a place of worship and there is a message about the shooting during the service, this may be helpful for your older child to hear. Model prayer, meditation, singing, spending time in nature or whichever activities are helpful to you in connecting to your spirituality. Attending a service or candle-lighting in memory of the children who died may be helpful for your family.
Participating in activities that connect us as humans can also be meaningful at this time. Children of all ages can participate in activities like making cards to send to the surviving children at Sandy Hook Elementary or supporting children in need in your own community through volunteer efforts like food or toy drives. If a child wants to talk about where the children who died “went,” be honest with her about your beliefs and ask her about hers. Encourage this conversation without feeling you need to know all the answers.
Thank you for being an adult who is committed to helping children learn to navigate our challenging times and emerge as resilient, communicative, and compassionate adults themselves. The world needs more communicators and compassion-givers. Perhaps if we work on these learned skills together, one day we will have no more need of articles like this one.
About the Author
Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a respected author and educator on the topic of healing in grief. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School's Department of Family Medicine. A father of three, Dr. Wolfelt has written many bestselling books for and about grieving children and teens, including Healing Your Grieving Heart for Kids, Healing A Child’s Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends, and Caregivers, and Healing Your Grieving Heart for Teens. Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about helping children in grief and to order Dr. Wolfelt’s books.
Helke's Flag Flying Program 
Helke Funeral Home Flag Flying Program is available to any family of a deceased veteran who would like their loved one’s flag flown. Your flag will be flown on our newly installed lit flagpole for 30 days.
Before a flag is flown, families will need to provide a copy of the deceased veteran's honorable discharge papers, along with the flag. Please note the flag must be in good repair, flags will not be flown if tattered, torn or dirty.
Flags will be flown in order received and returned clean and folded.
Regarding the WFDA Funeral Trust
Green Funerals
Casket and Urns
Green funerals include a casket or urn that is completely 100% biodegradable. No plastic or metal is used during their production. They are free of stains, varnishes, oils or animal products. Materials used to construct caskets or urns may include wood, sea grass, reeds, salt, clay, bamboo, earth or paper.
Preparation of the body
The body must be prepared in an environmentally friendly fashion as well. This typically means that there is no embalming with refrigeration being used instead. If embalming is requested by the family, a less-toxic embalming fluid may be used.
Clothing
The deceased is commonly dressed in natural fiber clothing containing renewable sources, such as cotton, wool or linen without metal or plastic buttons and zippers.
Natural grave marking
Native organic flowers or plants and grave markers that are unpolished stones are appropriate selections.
Cemetery
A conservation cemetery provides a sustainable and fulfilling solution for people seeking to leave a legacy of care and respect for the environment. The burial process supports and restores nature instead of destroying it. Currently there are no conservation cemeteries in the Midwest, but efforts are being made to establish a conservation cemetery in Wisconsin.
CONSUMER ALERT
A Wausau area cemetery has begun contacting lot owners to “update our files”. This commissioned sales force attempts to gain personal information to help them contact your extended family members. Their focus is to sell funeral service merchandise such as caskets, burial vaults, and cremation urns. We would like to offer some sound consumer advice on funeral preplanning and the purchase of funeral merchandise and service from businesses other than funeral homes.
*CONTACT YOUR FAMILY FUNERAL DIRECTOR FIRST
Our licensed Funeral Directors and staff are the same familiar faces that have served families for generations. We have years of experience and education, to help your family design a meaningful ceremony to remember your loved one.
*COMPARE QUALITY, CHOICES, AND PRICE
We purchase our personalized products through carefully chosen reputable providers. They are fully insured guaranteeing only the highest quality standards. We are committed to customer satisfaction and offer prices to fit every budget. Gimmicks of “two caskets for the price of one" may not be the best value for the price.
*COMPARE FUNERAL TRUSTS VS. CEMETERY TRUSTS
We can’t predict your financial future. When families choose to prefund their funeral with us, rest assured that your funds are safe, fully transferable, and arranged correctly should you need nursing home Medical Assistance. Currently, cemetery trusts to “pay for your funeral” may not set up properly for Medical Assistance recipients.
*IMMEDIATE AVAILABILITY
All of our caskets, burial vaults, and cremation urns are immediately available so you can schedule funeral ceremonies at the time and day you want. Merchandise purchased outside the funeral home can easily result in shipping delays due to product damage, weather conditions, product availability, weekends, and holidays.
*NO SALES PRESSURE
Unlike a commissioned sales force, we are Wisconsin licensed funeral professionals. You can count on us for honest, reliable information and education.
*PLACE YOUR TRUST IN YEARS OF SERVICE
There is a reason why funeral service is considered to be one of the most trusted professions today. We are a private family owned business that has been serving our community with pride since 1874. Our Wisconsin licensed Funeral Directors are here to serve you 24 hours a day, every day of the year. Turn to us for honest service. You will be glad you did.
|
